To Love Again
by Shiny Ryuichi Sakuma
Summary: Slash!! Severus, to acquire an item that could very well defeat Voldemort once and for all, is sent to the past and has to live in his adolescent body. Regrets, bitter hatred, and the brief amounts of joy all return and just ~how~ will Severus act? And ho
1. Default Chapter

title: To Love Again  
  
author: Akemi  
  
email: vegetaskoibito@yahoo.com  
  
disclaimers: dont own  
  
category: romance/angst  
  
rating: PG-13 for now  
  
spoilers: books 1-3(since i havent read 4 yet )  
  
summary: Severus, to acquire an item that could very well defeat Voldemort once and for all, is sent to the past and has to live in his adolescent body. Regrets, bitter hatred, and the brief amounts of joy all return and just ~how~ will Severus act? And how much will the effect the present?  
  
TO LOVE AGAIN  
  
"Are you positive this will work Severus?" kind blue eyes no longer twinkling as he regarded the dark haired Potions Master with curiosity bordering along fear. Of course, a seasoned wizard such as himself had heard of Displacement; the magic of traveling through time. One's conciousness floated to the past, or future, and descended into the body of that time frame. However, the probability that one could get trapped in that body was exteremly high; nearly ninety-eight percent. Displacement was risky but Albus had complete faith in the professor.  
  
"I can assure you it will. I think that I can successfully retrieve the Phoenix Pinion. If my research is correct, the pinion is buried underneath the floor of the Shrieking Shack From what I can discern, it was put there by Tom Riddle in his fourth year. Riddle had come across the pinion while in the Chamber of Secrets. He must've discovered its secrets and decided to bury it in the place that he though nobody would look. The shack was deserted and not yet haunted. When Lupin," Severus's eyes flickered briefly at the werewolf, "was admitted to Hogwarts and he started his monthly howling session, it scared off any would be pillagers. It is my theory that Riddle, fearing the pinion would be discovered, set about to destroy any trace that it ever existed. He almost achieved it but he forgot the one person who knew of its existence. Hagrid had the remaining book wrote about the Phoenix Pinion. Until Miss Granger mentioned the pinion in one of my classes, I had thought its existence to be purely fictional. When I questioned Granger, she claimed she had read the book during one of her visits. I searched my potion books and discovered that by cominbing it with several other rare items, which we do possess, can create the most powerful potion to exist: the Dragonfire. It could destroy Voldemort."  
  
The room was quiet. The only sounds were breathing from the assembly of six. Albus's lips were pursed as he considered the options. Harry was trying to control his nerves; even with Severus gone for a month or more, Voldemort's attacks could increase. Even though Severus had assure them that Voldemort would not be suspicious that his most loyal servant was missing, Harry had nauseous sinking in his stomach. Hermione, the first to learn about the Phoenix Pinion, was permitted to the conjugation. As the busy researcher, Hermione was most helpful. Sirius was sitting, a new view of Severus springing to life. He was now seeing the other man in a light of respect.  
  
As for Remus, he was wringing his hands nervously. He kept darting glances at Severus. He was worried about the other man's life. With a marginal success rate of only two percent, the Displacement spell could very well trap Severus in the past. Remus sighed to himself, sad amber orbs studying his friend. Severus would have to live the past horrors anew; the taunting by the Marauders, the abuse from Lucius, and then, that brief friendship that had been forged bewteen Remus and Severus. Remus remembered fondly, and proudly, that he was the first that Severus had ever opened up to. That had all been shattered once the Shrieking Shack incident happened. Severus had never forgiven him. Remus bit his lip, quelling the rush of emotions. It still hurt. Remus had wanted desperately to become more than friends with the other boy. They had been friends for a month and then Sirius led Severus to him. The pain was fresh in Remus's mind.  
  
Severus rose to his feet. "If there are no questions, I must finish brewing the potion." With a brief nod to Albus, he turned on his heel, black robes billowing against his tall and lithe frame as exited the Headmaster's Office.  
  
Several minutes passed before Harry spoke, breaking the oppressive silence. "Do..do you think he'll be alright?" For as much as Severus loathed him, Harry was scared for him. It was dangerous not to mention to Hogwart's. Severus was a valued member of the fight against Voldemort.  
  
Albus tried to smile but failed miserably. That was all Harry needed as he slumped into the chair. "Severus knows what he's doing Harry. He wouldn't have suggested it if he didn't think it safe."  
  
"Probably going to just mess with the past!" Sirius growled, bad temperedly crossing his arms in front of his chest. "The greasy git knows more than he knew back then. He's taking that knowledge with him. What makes you think he wont kill me?!" he practically shrieked.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes, slinging his arm around the older man's shoulders. "Siri, I honestly believe that Snape won't murder you in the past. He knows that it would affect the present considerably. Besides, he would have to face my wrath when he returns. Killing off my godfather and boyfriend isn't something to be taken lightly."  
  
Sirius had the deceny to blush. It was new to him to have such a devoted lover; in his past he had had only flings. A clearing of a throat brought Sirius from swimming in the emerald depths of Harry's eyes. Albus regarded them with a raised brow. "Harry is right. Severus wouldn't mess with the past events that shaped the present. He will have to go through the accident with Remus again. This is no doubt going to cause repercussions when he returns. I suggest that you and Harry get some rest. You too Hermione. If we are to increase our defense, we must work quickly and soon."  
  
Hermione said, "What about the other professors and students? What are do we tell them about Professor Snape's abscene. I dont think that I can keep this from Ron."  
  
"I give you permission to tell Ron. As for the rest, they'll be told that Severus had to do something classified for me. There won't be any questions. Severus is to leave at exactly six in the morning, the same time when his past self should be waking."  
  
With 'goodnights,' Harry, Sirius, and Hermione went to their rooms. Remus' lips curled into a soft smile as he watched his two friends clasp hands. Sirius and Harry were happy, that was all the mattered. Their age difference wasn't looked upon with scorn and somewhere in Remus's heart, he yearned for that same type of love they shared. Remus blinked when he realized that Albus was regarding him intently. "Albus?"  
  
"You love him," Albus stated simply. Remus sputtered, mouth opening and closing but no words formed. The old wizard placed a gnarled hand on the man's shoulder. "I am not blind Remus. I see it whenever you gaze upon him. I saw it when you were teenagers." Albus straightened, winking cheekily at the shocked werewolf. "Who knows? Perhaps Severus will see you differently when he returns. He might fall in love with you."  
  
"The past me, you mean?" Remus' voice was bitter.  
  
"In a month, we will know, won't we? Go to bed Remus and be patient. Severus is private man. Of course, you already know that."  
  
Remus treaded listlessly from the office to his chambers. He missed the Severus that came to him with his problems, that would laugh at his pitiful attempts at jokes, that would hold him when he was scared. He most of all missed the Severus that had almost reciprocated the love felt. He wondered, as he undressed and crawled underneath the blankets, would Severus start to fall in love with his past self again? If so, would he act upon it? Remus could only wait...  
  
* * *  
  
Good? bad? O.o  
  
Elegant Isnt it?-ffx song, not mine   
  
To the words that the wind has brought  
  
the heart that moved  
  
to tomorrow that clouds would carry  
  
the voice which cheered by it  
  
The mirror reflecting the swaying moon  
  
My heart shivered  
  
The soft tears  
  
Elegant, isn't it?  
  
If we could walk holding hands with one another  
  
I want to go  
  
To your town, into your arms  
  
  
  
The chest  
  
my lean my body, and  
  
Using the night  
  
to hide my dreams  
  
The wind stopped and the word is  
  
a kind, imaginative thing  
  
Clouds tear and tomorrow is  
  
a far away voice  
  
The mirror that the moon is smeared  
  
Washed heart  
  
stars swings and dropped  
  
the tears that I can't hide  
  
Elegant, isn't it?  
  
If we could walk holding hands with one another  
  
I want to go  
  
to your town, to your arms  
  
The chest  
  
my body leans on  
  
to the morning, meet  
  
dreams to see 


	2. Past

disclaimers: dont own it.  
  
* * * chapter 2  
  
Severus mentally prepared himself for his return to the past. His hands were shaking nervously, his eyes were burning with sleep, his stomach was fluttering with feisty butterflies. The dark haired man sank to his bed, one hand sprawled across his forehead. He wanted to do nothing other than deny his duty fate. Going to the past would have repercussions that would reflect his contempt for Sirius and Remus. At the thought of the last person, Severus mentally smacked himself. How could he act the same around Remus when he knew what Remus was? When he.he knew what would become of their relationship? When he knew that Sirius Black would come in between in them and corrupt any chance of being more than friends?  
  
Severus was not looking forward to going. How could he hide what he had so desperately sought to ignore; for nearly twenty years. When Remus had returned to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Severus was crushed and then...that mocking Black had showed up and once again ruined all hope of a relationship. Even though Black was dating Potter, Severus knew that the two were still attracted to one another. He wouldn't be shocked if the three had a menage a trois.  
  
Severus stared at the bubbling potion that was almost finished; a few more minutes. It would entertaining to see Lucius as a teenager again, even that annoying git Potter Sr. The Potions Master quirked his lips as he stared at his reflection. To be young again... Not that his mind had ever been one with his age but his body would be that of sixteen year old youths. Severus heard the door to his chambers open. He wasn't surprised to see Remus. "Lupin," he acknowledged the other man.  
  
Remus smiled at Severus. "Albus told me you wouldn't like to have any visitors. That you would want to leave without saying goodbyes. I, however, cannot let that happen." Severus snorted, filling a vial with the green smoking liquid. Remus wasn't phased. "Good bye Severus and good luck. You'll be gone a month?"  
  
"We've already went over the details with Albus yesterday. What is that you really want?" Severus asked, pausing in his administrations to his potion.  
  
Remus shrugged. "Nothing. I'll leave you. Severus....please don't hate Sirius too much. I know that with the Shrieking Shack incident, you'll have much more resentment for him that you normally would at that time. Well, see you later Severus."  
  
Severus watched him leave, confused. He could sense that the wolf wanted to tell him more but why was he remaining silent? Severus took a deep breath, the contents of the potion now ready for consumption. Without a moments hesitation, he tipped the vial into his mouth and swallowed the Displacement spell. The minute the last drop reached his tongue, he vanished.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
"Severus!" a voice drawled in an annoyed fashion. Severus's eyes snapped open and he was almost nose to nose with Lucius. A young Lucius. Now this was the Lucius that Severus used to have wetdreams about when he was a hormone-ridden teenager...well...before Remus came into his life. Silver- blonde hair cascaded to Lucius's elbows, the slate grey eyes were detached yet held a miniscule amount of warmth as he gazed at his oldest friend. "What the hell happened to you? One minute you were screaming and tossing and now your staring at me like I've grown another head."  
  
Severus jumped from the bed, onyx orbs taking in his surroundings. He'd forgotten how much he cherished his time at Hogwarts. The Slytherin dormitory room was just as he rememberd. His bed was scooted, almost joined, with Lucius. The other two boys who shared the room were gone and Severus vaguely recalled it was Crabbe and Goyle. Severus glanced at Lucius who was sprawled on his back, legs bent at the knees and his arms tucked behind his head. Oh...that was right. Lucius had nightmares and had asked for Severus to sleep closer. A small smile curled his lips. Lucius looked so vulnerable and innocent. Lucius was still regarding him with that puzzled expression. "I dont know what your talking about," he said, shocked that the voice was his. His voice had always been deep but years had given him a silken even seductive voice. Now, it was deep but was in the midst of becoming the monotonous tone. Curiousity fueled him as he went to the door length mirror near Lucius's and his side of the room. He raised a delicate brow. He'd forgotten that he was ~actually~ handsome when he was younger.  
  
"Something is definitely wrong with you Sevvy," Lucius rose and stretched like a cat, slinking towards Severus and the mirror. "Your always complaining about me and my vanity. Looks as if you are finally developing Malfoy traits. Hanging around me has changed you for the better my dear Severus." Lucius grabbed a brush, taking it to Severus's hair. Severus's grin widened. His hair wasn't as greasy as it was in the present and was even soft. Severus closed his eyes, relishing in the intense bliss radiating through his entire body as his longtime friend brushed his hair. It was amazing to see Lucius so unguarded and for not the first nor last time, Severus cursed Voldemort. He had made Lucius into the uncaring bastard of present. An odd sound reached Severus's ears and he realised he was...purring? Lucius chuckled. "You never let me brush your hair. What ~is~ wrong with you, lovely?"  
  
Severus cursed himself for not remembering all the details. "Maybe I had a change of heart." Lucius rolled his eyes, setting the turtle shell brush onto the table. He then set his chin on Severus's shoulder, arms wrapping around him from behind. Severus shivered. God, if felt good to be in his arms again. It had been too long.  
  
Lucius nipped at his neck, leaving a little bruise the size of a the tip of his pinky. "You tell Lupin you got that from me. Make him jealous." Lucuis winked, slipping his robes on. Severus blinked at Lucius. He had no recollection of this happening. He didn't know that Lucius knew about Lupin. Severus stopped a groan. There for only several minutes and already messing up the timeline. "I'm afraid I have to leave you, lovely. I have a date with angel." Lucius pecked Severus's cheek, waving over his shoulder as he exited the room.  
  
"What I have done?" Severus mumbled to himself as he too took his leave. So far, there was one change. Lucius knowing about his feelings for Remus. How would this affect ~his~ time? Would Lucius accuse him of philanthroping with the enemy when he returned? Severus knew he would miss this side of Lucius. He heavy-heartedly made his way towards the Great Hall for breakfast.  
  
"Sev!" Severus's heart paused in its beating as it refound its proper pulse. He whipped around to see a young version of Remus, the amber orbs sparkling with warmth and kindess. The light chesnut brown hair was pulled into a ponytail, uneven bangs jutting from various directions. The teenage Remus cocked his head to the side. "Are you alright? You look as if you've seen a basilik." Immediately concerned, Remus placed a hand on Severus's arm, frowning when the dark haired Slythering flinched from his touched.  
  
"I'm fine. What are you doing here?" Severus asked, noting that Black nor Potter was with Remus. It was usually the dream team, also known was the Marauders. He missed the pain that flitted across the beautiful face.  
  
"You promised you'd help me with my herbology essay," Remus reminded him seemingly uncaring about the harshness of Severus's voice. "If you want to postpone it until later, that'll be okay. Dumbledore gave me a pass to the restricted section for search for..ah...some things so it shouldn't be too difficult getting in there." Severus knew what those 'things' were; his lycanthropy.  
  
"Its alright," Severus tried his best to make his voice sound nonchalant but how could he when the object of his hearts desire was only a few inhces from himself? How easy it would be to just shove Remus against the wall and plunder that deliciously shaped mouth of his. No, he couldn't do that. It would change the future of this time too much. The entire Shrieking Shack incident might never occur, Black going to Azkaban, even Voldemort being resurrected.  
  
Severus tucked some of his chin length hair to behind his ear as they made their way to the library. Remus gave a tiny gasp. "You were bit by something," he said, pointing at the bite mark that Lucius had so graciously given him. "You should get Pomfrey to check it out."  
  
"That wont be necessary," Severus stated coldly. "It isn't from an animal."  
  
Remus turned bright pink with embarrassment to pale with jealously. "Oh... Was it Lucius then?" Severus nodded, hand unconciously going to his neck. That only seemed to further pique Remus's envy and dissappointment. Remus smiled at Madam Pince, the ancient librarian, as he and Remus went to the far tables near the restricted section. Severus was silent. "Severus, you're acting like your mad at me," Remus stated softly, averting his eyes from Severus's.  
  
"Lupin-"  
  
Remus's eyes misted with unshed tears. "You haven't called me Lupin since...since we hated each other. What have I done?" Remus plucked at the hem of his robes nervously. Severus had never seen Remus so..broken. Memories floated to Severus and he recalled that during the times they were friends...he hadn't acted cold to Remus.  
  
"Remus," Severus stumbled over the name, "I am sorry for being so abrupt with you. I have alot on my mind, thats all. As for this hickey, Lucius didn't mean it as anything other than a friendly bite. Lucius gets that way." Severus shrugged, clearing the matter. Which, that was true even in his time.  
  
Remus gave a smile that filled his entire face. "Its okay. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I thought you might have been doubting our..our friendship."  
  
"Never," Severus said a little more fiercely than he should have for Remus raised a brow at him, that grin not wavering in its splendor. "I'll find a book on..." He glanced at the paper on the desk. "Mistletoe." Severus had remembered this particular assignment. Black and Potter had used a spell to whoever was underneath the mistletoe would be unable to control their er...bodies reactions. Unfortunately, Severus had been the brunt of that joke. He frowned. It would be a few weeks. He felt a warm hand on his, heart pacing.  
  
"Thank you. With Professor Rose giving me all that Potions homework, I'm afraid I haven't had time to spend on this assignment. Why is that she hates me?" Remus asked rhetorically, taking his hand from Severus's. "I'll start in the herbology section. There might be something in the resticted section, you try there. Have you finished your essay?" Remus asked, turning a corner but clearly still in hearing range. Of course, given that he was a werewolf, his hearing was sharper than normal humans.  
  
Had he finished it? "Yes." A question was gnawing at Severus, one he'd always wanted to know but was too scared to ask the Remus of his time. Oppuruntiy was presenting itself. "Why'd you get mad when I told you it was Lucius who gave me the hickey?"  
  
Remus was quiet for a few minutes before his soft voice came to Severus, "I dont know." Trust Remus to tell the truth. Severus wasn't surprised by the answer either. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"No reason. Ah, here it is." Severus came from the restricted section, book in hand. Remus sank onto one of the chairs, quill in hand. "Mistletoe was commingly used as-" Severus explained Mistletoe to Remus, all the while unable to wrench his eyes from the beautiful boy beside him.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
thankies for reviewing! how kind. @_@ ^____^  
  
next chappie will have Remus remembering his past. #_# 


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